Soul Searching
by Annie Coomes
Summary: The Doctor and Rose need to sort out how they feel. Can they embark on a relationship? Song fic's r & r please! COMPLETED!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Doctor who and the song is Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls, which sadly I also do not own.

**Spoilers**: For the Parting of Ways, New Earth and School Reunion.

The Doctor sorts out his feelings about Roseand his head, but what will he decide?

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Soul Seaching

_I'd give up forever to touch you  
Cos I know that you feel me somehow_

The Doctor was sitting on his large cushy leather chair in the control room. His eye lingered on Rose as he watched her lying on the sofa lost deep in thought. He couldn't help but look at her, she was so beautiful, and living like this was torture for him. Just watching her, waiting, making up tiny lies whenever she caught him staring – which was becoming a regular occurrence. It was as though she always knew when he was looking at her, she would let him stare for a while then she would raise her head, her eyes deep and mysterious – but always sparkling – and give him a small smile. She would hold his eyes for a moment then return to what she was doing, the Doctor always longed to know what she was thinking in these moments.

_You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
And I don't want to go home right now_

He could barely remember life before Rose; it was just a blur – a blur of darkness. She had come into his life and lit it up in every possible way. He hated taking her home even if it was for a visit, he was so afraid that one day she would just decide to stay. That she would return to earth, to the barren rock, to the world of routines and the Doctor feared that one day she would wake up and decide that she couldn't handle the spontaneity of their life anymore. He lived to please her, but he knew in a way he was only doing it to try and convince her to stay longer, wherever her took her to impress her they always ended up in trouble and nearly dead. Each time this happened he came so close to saying those three little words, to just letting her know once and for all, but then she would smile at him convincing him everything was going to be alright and he couldn't do it. He couldn't say those words to her, he didn't know if she wanted to hear them – he hoped she did – or if she would run a hundred miles if he did say them. All he knew is he couldn't return to his life, back to the darkness he experienced after the Time War –Gallifrey wasn't his home any more, no where was, wherever she was – that's where his home was.

_And all I can taste is this moment  
And all I can breathe is your life_

The events of the Game Station ran through his mind, he had kissed her. He had finally kissed her. Every time he saw her he could feel her lips pressed against his, taste his mouth on hers. Taking the time vortex out of her was his ultimate sacrifice, his life for hers, it was the final dedication of his love for her… but she would never know. She couldn't remember those events; she couldn't even remember the kiss. He didn't know what hurt more, never kissing Rose or having kissed her and her not remembering. Then on New Earth their lips had met again, only this time Rose wasn't controlling the kiss – Cassandra was. Did this make it wrong for him to have enjoyed it? Knowing that he had kissed Rose without her consent, for all he knew she had been screaming inside her mind – but he would never know.

_And I don't want the world to see me  
Cos I don't think that they'd understand_

He couldn't leave the Tardis right now. He couldn't let the world see the emotions that rode through his soul, these emotions that were always present his eyes. He knew that every time he smiled at Rose she could see his love for her in his eyes – or could she? He knew that he tried to hide it, so often he closed his eyes in a hope that these feelings would pass and they could continue as normal, but what was normal any more? Was normal travelling through time and space alone? Was it travelling with her, flirting and laughing but remaining just friends? Was it gazing at her every moment he could whilst he longed to tell her of his undying love? Was normal just hiding it all away in a hope to keep her around for longer? Looking at her curled up sleeping on the sofa, was that normal?

_When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am_

It was true, whatever happened – if he told her – if he didn't – it would all end one way. Rose had to die. It was a scientific fact; she was a human, a simple human being, nothing more than an ape. That's what he had told himself so many times but he knew it wasn't true, how could he love an ape like this? And that's why he longed to tell her, so she would know. He couldn't handle it if she died without knowing, or if he died without telling. He had told her about his past, about his life, he had told her everything, everything except this. He had done so much, been so many places, seen things that people wouldn't believe but he was terrified, terrified of three little words. It wasn't the words he was scared of, it was the reaction, it was what came after the words. It could go two ways: a slap in a face and a demand to be taken back home or hearing the words back then having to do 'domestic' which would end one day either by death or other means just causing more heartbreak. This story couldn't have a happy ending.

_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming  
Or the moment of truth in your lies_

The Doctor thought about when he had taken Rose back to Earth, when they met Sarah Jane Smith. He'd loved her once, not how he loves Rose, but he had defiantly loved her. Meeting her again, knowing what would happen to Rose if he left her one day, he knew he couldn't do that. He had almost told her that day, told her the truth, the words echoed through his head. 'Imagine watching that happen to someone you…', how could she not know? He had practically told her then but all she had replied was 'What Doctor?' . How he longed to just kiss he and abandon reality and plans and everything that could happen, just to kiss her and have her know how he felt. But then again, something's are worth getting your heart broken for. He remembered Sarah Jane saying that, had it been a warning to him? To Rose? Or just a passing comment on her life? The Doctor didn't know.

_When everything seems like the movies  
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive_

The Doctor continued to watch Rose, bathed in her beauty. Their lives were like the movies, different outfits, different places, different realities, but wherever they went it always came back to one reality: The Doctor loved Rose. He had tried to hide from it in the early days, he had teased her and let her run off with all sorts of men, Mickey, Adam, Jack, but one thing was true, she always came back to him. Was it because she loved him or because she needed a security blanket to fall back on? She ran after these men because she needed them to compliment her to make her feel beautiful, but didn't she know that she was beautiful in every way already and that the best compliments came from him? All she had to do was look into his eyes and she would know everything. Sometimes the Doctor hated the small minds of humans, unable to see everything that was so obvious to him, but if she knew everything wouldn't that make everything harder? Well at least he wouldn't be harbouring this great secret anymore.

_I just want you to know who I am_

The Doctor looked at Rose one last time and knew he couldn't hold it in any longer, he couldn't hide it from her. He stood up and slowly walked over to her; he knelt beside the sofa and gently pushed a lock of hair off of her face. Her eyes slowly opened and came to rest on his face.

'Doctor?' she quietly asked. This was it, no going back,

'There's something I need to tell you…' the Doctor began.

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Hope you enjoyed! Tell me what you thought, please 


	2. Chapter 2

Soul Searching 

Lyrics from Charge – by Splendid

Spoilers: minor spoilers for the Girl in the Fire Place, School Reunion and The Doctor Dances.

Was just going to be one chapter, but since you were all so nice I was easy persuaded to write more! Enjoy!

Chapter Two

_The way you love  
Have you got a name for it  
Cos I don't understand it_

Rose lay on the sofa and listened to the Doctors footsteps ring on the floor of the control room. She had caught him looking earlier; she always did. The only problem she had with it was he blushed; he always blushed when she caught him looking. Was it because he was embarrassed to look at her or because he was embarrassed of his feelings? That was one of the many things she didn't understand about the Doctor. She seemed so sure that he loved her; he'd been so close to saying it but the only time she ever heard it was in her dreams. She was so sick of 'I love… spending time with you' and 'I love… travelling with you' it was as though he had some sort of fear of the truth. Unless… unless he didn't love her. But how could he not? She loved him so much, so deeply, unlike how she had ever loved anyone in her entire life, how could he not reverberate her feelings? That's what she didn't understand, if he loved her why couldn't he express it, why did he hide it and allow her to run off with other men and most importantly why did he allow Madame de Pompadour to happen?

_The language is an annoying necessity  
Got a list tattooed on my memory  
Of how our tryst should unfold_

If only they didn't have to speak, if words weren't important, the things they could share in a look. Sometimes it was just the he looked at her, sometimes it can be the kindest of looks, but other days it could make her heart melt. She had seen it in her head, a hundred different moments splattered over time and space, a hundred different moments where things could have ended so differently. So many times where the moment could have ended in a passionate kiss rather than an awkward silence, each time Rose thought of these moments her heart broke a little more. Did he fear her so much? Moments so many moments, would it really have been that hard for him to release her from one of his bone crushing hugs and then gently pressed his lips against hers, would it be so hard for him to do that? Sure enough she had thought of it day after day, moment after moment, secretly analysing every interaction, every word he said. The sound of foot steps were getting louder and Rose knew very soon he would be upon her.

_I'm falling from the opposite,  
What good is it?  
Fight the map with no key attached  
My heart's enlarged and I charge_

Rose's heart started to pound as he approached her. If only things were easier, if only there was a set plan of how her life was meant to go, at least that way she would know whether he was going to act on these feelings or not, know if they could ever be together. But that was how they lived their lives, each day a new adventure, no plan, no thought to the future and that was what scared her. What if he never thought of the future… thought of their future? What if he just woke up one day and decided he'd had enough of her and dropped her off on some barren rock. She knew it would never happen, he'd promised, but she couldn't control her thoughts or her emotions. Then she realised he may never act upon his emotions, that if she didn't do the acting for the both of them nothing may ever come from their love. So Rose opened her eyes ready for the Doctor.

_What do you say  
To a dream that won't go away_

As she looked at his face a million memories shot through her mind – real memories or false memories – she could barely tell the difference anymore. She dreamt of him every night, no matter what she did or where she went in her dreams the all ended in one place – in his arms, against his chest, on his mouth. She didn't know if their love could ever be true or ever exist, but she knew that he would always visit her in her dreams. That was how she got over the disappointments of life, the disappointments of love; she created her own magical endings in her head. Sometimes she couldn't help but blush when he looked at her and the secret words spoken by him only in her dreams ran through her mind. She would try to shake them out of her head and end up closing her eyes to remove the images, the strange thing was when she opened them his eyes were nearly always shut as well. Shut from her gaze, or shut to protect himself from her? He was sitting beside her now, his rough hands gently brushing a hair away from her cheek, his eyes caressing her skin.

'Doctor?' she quietly asked.

_Cos I don't know if I can stand it  
Forever isn't something you want to be_

She looked into his eyes knowing he would live forever unless something went terribly wrong. She also knew that one day she would eventually die, 'wither and die' was how the Doctor had put it. When he had told her she thought it might be the moment, the moment where he finally revealed his heart and soul 'imagine watching that happen to someone you…' he had begun, she remembered her eyes large and hopeful 'What Doctor?' she had prodded but then the moment was lost. Lost forever in time just like he had been. If she could wish for anything in the world, it would be to live for as long as he did, if it meant forever or for few mere days she didn't mind – as long as they could be together – forever.

_The night is young  
And the moon is a mother to both of us_

The Doctor now stood directly above her, his eyes filled with emotion that she couldn't understand.

'There's something I need to tell you…' he began slowly. She looked into his eyes and was lost in memories. So many times when he was this close to her, so many times when they could have embarked upon this relationship. 'The world doesn't end because the Doctor dances' her words just swam around her head as she remembered being lost in his arms as her took her through the turns and swirls of the dance. As he dipped her low, as he lowered his head, as their eyes met… then as he rigidly stood up and said good night. So many lost moments, so many unspoken words. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath in knowing that something major was about to happen. This was it, the final moment he could either say he loved her or say he's had enough of her, the ultimate make or break.

_Marriage is an old and tired religion  
And I love all the traditional things_

Rose wanted to get married, she had known that since she was five years old and dressed up Barbie and Ken and walked them down the make-believe aisle whilst she threw daisy petals at them. She had always wanted kids; she had planned on having a family since… since before she could remember. The only thing she feared about this relationship was the end. Could the Doctor marry? Could he bind himself to just one person? Could he love someone for the rest of time? These were all questions that haunted Rose and she just didn't know the answers. Rose opened her mouth to speak

_Domestic bliss and all that shit  
Confusion is a definite direction_

He'd told her from the beginning, he'd always said it 'I don't to domestic', but what did this mean? Did it mean he couldn't love her? Or that he couldn't be with her forever – he'd told her that before 'You can spend the rest of your life with me but I can't spend mine with you', was he trying to tell her nothing could ever happened between them? Or was he saying it could happen but it would end swiftly, swiftly as in no marriage, no kids, no hope. But if someone didn't do domestic how could they fall in love? Rose didn't know the answers to her questions, there was only one person in the entire universe that did and to find her answers she would have to ask him.

_My heart's enlarged and I charge_

The Doctor opened his mouth to finish his sentence; Rose took a deep breath and knew this was it – no going back. She raised one finger and pressed it gently against his lips, his soft pink lips – how she longed to kiss them. Instead she just held her finger there and looked into the Doctors' eyes, seeing and believing everything she wanted to know. She gave him a small coy, smile and nodded.

'I know' she whispered.

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**Sorry much didn't happen in real time in the chapter, just thought it would be better to Rose's point across before continuing. The action will happen in the next chapter(s)…..**

**Any thoughts?**


	3. Chapter 3

Song lyrics are from All about loving you by Bon Jovi

Minor Spoilers for: Rose, the Satan Pit

Thank you everyone for reviewing! I hope you continue to enjoy...

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**Soul Searching**

**Chapter Three**

_Every time I look at you, baby,  
I see something new_

The Doctor felt Rose's soft fingers against his lips and everything inside him tightened. Did she know what he was going to say? Did she not want to hear it? Or did she want to say it first? The Doctor held his breath trying to prevent himself from speaking, he had been so ready to tell her, so ready to say those three words, but she had stopped him. He felt as though he was standing at the edge of a cliff and each second was an hour and each hour was a day, time had literally stopped and there was nothing he could do but wait. Her eyes locked with his and they remained that way for a moment.

'I know' she finally said. The Doctor froze; did she know that he loved her? Did she know every single emotion that was running through his body and soul in this very moment? Did she know the feeling he got every time she smiled at him, the tingling sensation in the pit of his stomach every time she grabbed his hand?

_That takes me higher than before  
and makes me want you more_

Her soft smile answered all of his questions, every single one of them. How could he have been so stupid to doubt her, to doubt his love for her, doubt her love for him?

'Oh, Rose' he whispered as he gazed into her eyes drowning in the love he saw in them. He gently placed a hand on each side of her cheek and used his thumbs to trace her cheek bones. She looked at the floor for a moment then raised her lashes to meet his unwavering gaze, her lips parted and she began to chew on the bottom of her lip.

'Doctor' she whispered back. They both had so much to say to each other but neither of them could find the words to say. The Doctor took a small step towards her, she had risen from the sofa now and stood directly in front of him, she could feel his warm breath on her face. She took a deep breath in and lost herself in the intensity of his deep brown eyes. The Doctor gently pressed his lips against hers, both of them were holding back – testing the waters. They stayed this ways for a moment then they lost themselves in the kiss that was becoming very passionate very quickly, both of them fulfilling their desires in this one moment.

_I don't wanna sleep tonight;  
dreaming's just a waste of time_

'Rose' the Doctor gently moaned against Rose's lips, then they broke away from one another. Their forehead gently rested against each other as they both gathered their bearings. Neither of them could describe the feeling that happens when a dream becomes a reality, Rose knew that she no longer had to kiss the Doctor in her dreams – she could have him in reality, and in her opinion reality was a lot better. Their noses were touching and the Doctor let out a satisfied sigh, now was the moment

'Rose, I love you' he whispered for hear ears to hear only. She paused for a moment unsure of whether he had said it or she had imagined it.

'What?' she squeaked

'I said I love you' The Doctor replied slowly. He watched her eyes unsure of what she was thinking. Her eyes were unreadable and the Doctor panicked, he was so sure she had felt the same, was this not what she wanted to hear? Not what she wanted to know? If she didn't love him then how could she respond to his kiss like that? She closed her eyes and he had absolutely no idea what she was thinking or how she was feeling.

_When I look at what my life's been coming to  
I'm all about loving you_

Rose squeezed her eyes shut; she couldn't have heard him wrong – not twice. It had to be true, he had to love her. It was as though everything had frozen, all of time, space and matter, she stood frozen to the spot afraid that if she moved the moment would shatter and they would return to the uncomfortable silences. She took a deep breath in and slowly opened her eyelids, she could see the Doctors smile had faded and his face was a mixture of anticipation and fear. She smiled at him, a slow warm smile, and then she put her hand on his face, her fingers gently scraping his cheek, savouring the texture under her skin. She locked her eyes with him then spoke

'Oh Doctor' she whispered. She lent her forehead against his and gazed into his eyes, she traced her finger along his lips

'Don't look so worried' she gently teased. Then she pressed a small kiss to him mouth.

'I love you to' she whispered watching his eyes as she said it. His eyes lit up and began to sparkle again. His eyes were so intense, she could drown in them, but she just carried on looking beginning to blush under his gaze. He had looked at her like this before, he always snuck a peak at her, but she would always catch him and he would break the look, this was the first time she had looked him in the eye like this. The first time he hadn't broken the look, but deepened it.

'That's the best thing I've heard in a long time. A very long time' he whispered, both of them fearing to speak above the level of whispers in case they broke the atmosphere – lost in the moment. They stared at each other this way for a moment, then the Doctor moved forward.

_I've lived, I've loved, I've lost, I've paid some dues_

The Doctors' lips met Roses', the kiss started sweet and soft, full of sentiment but it was quickly becoming passionate. The Doctor had lived for nine hundred years, which was millions of places, billions of memories, trillions of emotions but nothing in his entire life had felt as good as this moment. In this moment where he had Rose's lips pressed against his, this moment where he pulled her close and she grabbed fistfuls of his hair, this moment where he could finally caress her face without fear of consequences or explanations. He'd spent so long running from things, from people, from truths, from emotions, he had made sure he was alone and lived in his world of darkness and death. That was of course, until he met Rose Tyler. He had seen something in that moment he first met her, something special. That's why he asked her twice, he'd asked her to come travelling with him and she stood there with Mickey clinging to her and shook her head, he had thought fine, he didn't care and started to leave. Then he saw her swinging from a rope, flying through the air trying to save him – a man she barley knew- she was that willing to give her life for his. He'd seen it in her eyes and her eyes haunted him, which was why he went back, why he asked her that second time with all the hope in the universe on that question. But she'd said yes, she'd agreed to come with him and everything from that moment was building up to this one. The moment where he could finally kiss her and have her kissing him back with the same love and the same passion fuelling the kiss.

_We've been to hell and back again  
Through it all you're always my best friend_

They had been to hell, he had floated directly above hell and even then there was one thing running through his mind: Rose. He had almost said it then, almost said it to a complete stranger asking her to tell Rose for him, but then he knew. That was the moment he began to believe Rose might love him back. 'Tell her… tell her I…. ah, she knows', how could she not? How could she not know he loved her when every look he gave her said it, every word he spoke was smothered in it, when every hug they had he could feel it setting his blood on fire. But now he knew that every moment he had felt their love so did she, every time he longed to hold her she longed to be held, he now knew that his Rose loved him.

_For all the words I didn't say and all the things I didn't do  
Tonight I'm gonna find a way_

The Doctor stopped kissing Rose and let her forehead rest against his cheek. They were both breathing heavily now, both thinking the same thoughts. Rose looked into the Doctors eyes – a knowing glance. He took her hand a paused – a silent question. She raised their entwined hands and kissed each of his fingers, her eyes met his for a brief moment then she kissed him gently on his mouth, his question had been answered. They grinned at each other both knowing what was going to come and the Doctor slowly began to walk down the Tardis corridors, to a bedroom Rose never knew existed, to fill an empty room with emotion and love. He took her to his bedroom and opened the door, all the darkness that haunted his life escaped as the door opened and Rose stepped in, she lit up his room, his life, his heart and his world.

_You can take this world away  
You're everything I am  
Just read the lines upon my face  
I'm all about lovin' you_

Rose kissed the Doctor filling his hearts with life and love, at the same time taking away the gloom and despair of his old life. For they could now start a new life – together.

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Alrighty then... any thoughts? Hope you like because there's more to come ... 


	4. Chapter 4

Soul Searching

Chapter 4

You had me from hello by Kenny Chesney

Minor Spoliers: Rose and World War Three

Thanks everyones for reviewing - I hope you contiune to like!

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_One word, that's all was said, Something in your voice called me, turned my head_

Rose lay beside the Doctor, curled up by his side, her head resting on his chest listening to the sound of his hearts beating. He held her close to him as they lay in his bed, tangled between cotton sheets that had previously been so carefully laid on his bed. Rose snuggled against the Doctor searching for his warmth, her legs entwined with his. She couldn't help but think this was strange, it was a thousand times better than any dream she had ever had. To finally be lying in his arms, feeling his touch, savouring his warmth, it was like nothing she had ever experienced. The Doctor lay there just feeling Rose against his chest, it was a good feeling – a spectacular feeling – to just to hold her in his arms and lie like this with her. He never wanted this moment to end. Rose snuggled closer to him and keeping her eyes closed she whispered 'Doctor?' it was a content whisper, she sounded as though she could fall asleep right this second. His ran his fingers through her soft mane of blonde hair, closing his fingers around it savouring the touch.

'Mmmm' he replied, not feeling the need to speak. She rolled her head to the side so she could see his eyes. They were chocolate brown, lazy and satisfied with a twinkle in them, he looked into her eyes which just deepened with mysteries.

_Your smile captured me; you were in my future as far as I could see. And I don't know how it happened, but it happens still_.

'Doctor?' she quietly asked, the sound of a smile on her voice. Her fingers traced forgotten scars on his chest as she spoke to him. He watched her fingers moves so delicately and gently as though he was some magical treasure that was incredibly precious to her. He put his fingers in her hair again as he watched her, he loved her hair, the smell of it, the feel of it, the look of it.

'Rose' he quietly answered a smile pulling at the corners of his lips. He wished they could just lay like this forever, love like this forever. Rose sat up, leaning her elbows on his chest so she was looking directly down into his eyes, her hair had become a mess of curls all tangled with one another but Doctor thought she looked beautiful anyway. He put his hands on her hips steadying her as she looked at him.

'Why do you love me?' she quietly asked, her eyes intensely focused on his lips as though she couldn't bear to watch his eyes. He was slightly taken back by this question but continued to watch her eyes. He lifted one hand to brush a lose curl off of her face so he could bath in her beauty whilst he though of his answer.

_Well, you had me from "Hello" I felt love start to grow the moment I looked into your eyes_

He'd loved her from the moment he had said hello. The first time he met her he had grabbed her hand and shouted 'run'. He held the same hand now and squeezed it remembering their past. He'd slammed that door shut just about to run off and save the world, then her face flashed through his mind, he had to know who she was. So he went back – it turned out the only time he would ever turn back would be for her. Then he remembered the first time he felt that gut wrenching fear – the first time he knew that if anything happened to her his world would never be the same, it was the time the plastic hand went for her throat. A smile passed over his lips as he remembered falling in to the coffee table, it shattering under their weight as Rose fell on top of him. She may have only stayed there for a few seconds but they were certainly the most exhilarating seconds of his life. So that was the moment, the moment the Doctor knew he needed Rose.

_You won me; it was over from the start. _

_You completely stole my heart, and now you won't let go_

'Oh Rose' he whispered as he lost himself in her gaze, in the coolness of her skin pressed against his. He'd tried not loving her, he'd tried ignoring the feelings, convincing himself that she was just a passing infatuation, that the feelings could never be returned, even that it wasn't love he just thought it was because he'd been alone for such a long time. But the more he fought it the more he felt it, and the more he felt it the more he believed they were doomed. He'd tried to control these feelings by letting her bring her various boyfriends aboard, he's tolerated Mickey the Idiot – he may have turned out to be not so idiotic but he still disliked him. He disliked him from the moment they met – not because he had offended him but because he had been with Rose, because he knew what it felt like to press his lips against hers, because he knew what it was like to hold Rose to him in the long, cold, lonely nights, because he had years of memories with Rose that the Doctor couldn't even replace. He even hated Mickey for knowing her favourite things and whenever he saw Mickey he tired so hard to brag about his relationship with Rose, his memories with her, him knowing how she liked her hair and what her favourite day of the week was, the thing that made him continue to hate Mickey was the fact that he had been with Rose whilst the Doctor could only fantasize about it.

_Inside I built a wall so high around my heart, I thought I'd never fall. _

_One touch, you brought it down Bricks of my defences scattered on the ground_

The Doctor traced the line of her smile along her face, his thumb tickling her lip as her eyes watched him absorbing every emotion that flickered across his soul. He'd tried to protect himself from love, from the love that he felt for her and the love that he was afraid of receiving. He'd warned Rose from the beginning 'I don't do domestic'. That was the first barrier that he had built to try and protect himself and his heart. He'd loved so many people, in so many different ways, in so many different places. He'd had so many companions each dead, abandoned or left him, there was so much hurt and pain in his life he didn't think he could handle anymore of it. Then there was the Time War, the war in which to destroy the Daleks he had to kill every single one of his people, his race – the Time Lords. That's why he existed, why he was the last Time Lord, he'd been so alone for so long, grieving for the loss of his home, with no one to hear him cry and no one to comfort him – no one but the Tardis. That's why he had to protect his heart, he had become resistant to love and loss – years and years of murder, death and destroyed hopes can take it toll on anyone – especially a nine hundred year old alien. There was nothing else he could do but protect himself from it all. But Rose had seen through it – seen through him, she would look at him so hopefully and lovingly and he would wish and pray that this didn't end like everything else in his life did – dead.

_And I swore to me that I wasn't going to love again _

_T__he last time was the last time I'd let someone in_

'I love you Rose, because…' he began as he watched her thinking. She always pulled the same face as she thought – it was the most adorable human face that always made him smile no matter how foul of a mood he was in. Her smile always managed to save him, she would smile that secret smile she smiled only for him and then slip her hand into his and squeeze. No matter where they were or what they felt this simple ritual would make him feel immensely better. If just holding her hand could elevate his sprits in such away imagine what spending a night with her could do. He still couldn't believe that she loved him, after he had tried so hard to force her to hate him, to force her to not love him, to just make her not need him as desperately as he needed her. She now straddled his waist, a sheet loosely covering her and she looked at the Doctor, her eyes lit up and she beamed at him whilst she waited for the end of his sentence. His hands came to a rest on her waist and he just sat there looking at her.

_I felt love start to grow the moment I looked into your eyes, _

_You completely stole my heart, and now you wont let go. _

_I never even had a chance you know?_

He'd known that he loved her for a long time, even the Dalek could tell he loved her, he'd told him 'what use are emotions if you will not save the woman you love', he hadn't been sure of what he felt then but he knew that he felt something. He knew the first time he had felt physically attracted to her, it was when they went to 1869 Cardiff and she had worn that dress. He'd known for a long time that he could never live without her, really from the moment they were trapped in Downing Street and the Doctor knew there was only one way he could save everyone – almost everyone – and that would involve losing Rose. He couldn't bring himself to do it, but his brave, sweet, daring Rose told him to go ahead without a blink of an eye. For that he loved her even more, for being so much like him and for understanding him so well.

He stroked a piece of hair out of her face and smiled lovingly at her.

'Rose Tyler, I love you because it's impossible not to' he told her, his voice filled with praise for this wonderful woman who lay with him.

_Thats all you said Something in your voice calls me, turns my head You had me from "Hello" Girl, I've loved you from "Hello"_

Rose grinned at him and the Doctor knew he would never be the same again. Rose had changed his life, his world, no matter how often they argued, how much they teased, how much they annoyed one another he could never leave her. He would never leave her because life without Rose Tyler was pointless – it was a passionless, empty, dull life that would surely kill him if he ever had to experience it again. Knowing this the Doctor vowed to himself no matter how bad things got, no matter what horrors faced him he could never leave her, never leave his Rose.

The Doctor sat up and rolled over trapping her beneath him. Her giggles filled the Tardis reaching every dark corner and bringing life to it. Her trapped her beneath the cage of his arms and gentle pressed kisses down her face, onto her neck, down her arms. He raised his head to see she was watching him with excitement in her eyes; he lent forward and pressed a kiss to her nose.

'So Miss Tyler-' he began and Rose knew what he was going to say before he even said it.

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	5. Chapter 5

Soul Searching 5

Thank you everyone for reviewing!

Todays song choice is: Someone to die for – Jimmy Gnecco

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_Before you landed  
I had a will but didn't know what it could do_

She grinned at him knowing what he was going to say. It was only fair she had just asked the same question, but now she had to think really think about her answer.

'- why is it me your heart has taken to loving?'. She still lay beneath him, her blonde hair forming a crown around her head; her cheeks were still flushed and made circular rosy patches on her fair skin.

She could barely remember life before she had met the Doctor – it had all become a bit of a blur. She knew he was right though, all she did was get up, go to work, come home, eat chips and go to bed – she lived that life over and over again. When she had met him her life had meaning – he had given her a purpose to live. It didn't matter what anyone else thought, she was Rose Tyler travelling through galaxies and time able to save anyone and anything. With him she was unstoppable – he made her who she was today.

_You were abandoned  
And still you're handing out what you don't wanna lose_

She raised her arms and placed them around his neck, her fingers sinking into his mess of brown hair. She looked into his eyes and knew all the troubles that lay within – the pain of his life before her.

She knew about the Time War, he had told her bits and pieces along the way so that in the end she finally understood the entire story. She knew he was all alone, he had no one left, nothing to return to and no one to hold onto – that was, of course, until he met her. He had taken to her so easily, as though if he didn't get that one last hug he would sink into the depths of the darkness threatening to over ride him and surely die. But now she was there to love him, she was there to hold his hand, she was there to hold him in the dark when his body shook as he remembered the Time War, she was there to comfort him when he couldn't save everyone and she was there to make him laugh in these moments of darkness.

_You make me drop things  
Like all the plans I had for a life without you_

She pulled his head down so that his nose was pressed against hers; she littered Eskimo kisses over his face and ran her fingers through his hair.

It had taken her one minute – 60 entire seconds to decide to jump into a blue box with a complete stranger – and it turned out to be the best decision she had ever made. She had plans for her future – go to work, get married, have kids, and die – all plans that were thrown out of the window the moment she met the Doctor. He was just one of those people you would do anything for – he had one of those faces you just couldn't say no to – and his reasoning always made sense. She would do anything he asked, she knew that if she hadn't met the Doctor her life wouldn't have a purpose –a meaning. When you asked Rose of the future, she would just smile a secret smile for she had seen the future – she didn't know where hers would lead but she knew it would be with the Doctor.

_Someone to die for  
Someone to fall into when the world goes dark_

Rose ran her fingers down the Doctors back, her fingers tracing the strong muscles of his shoulder blades.

She knew she would die for her Doctor, without a moments thought she would willingly jump in front of him to protect him from anything and anyone. She also knew he would do the same for her – she could see it in his eyes, the determination that would come over him and cloud his eyes the moment he thought she was in trouble. The edge that his voice got when he thought of her being hurt, the way he would hold her in his arms when everything was alright in the end whispering words of reassurance into her hair. She treasured moments like these, every time he hugged her, every time he held her heart to his, every time he looked her in the eye and grinned assuring her everything was alright and they would live to see another day. She also knew that however bad things got, however helpless moments seemed he was always there prepared to hold her in his arms and just make her feel safe. She felt so safe in his arms; she knew that if the world was ending around her and there was nothing they could do she would still be safe in his arms. Hiding from the world with her Doctor, she could always rely on him to be there to catch her when she falls, to hold her when she cries, to soothe her when she's scared – he was the only thing she could rely on in their unpredictable lives and she knew that she could rely on him forever.

_Someone to die for  
Someone to tear a hole in this endless night  
Someone like you_

Rose closed her eyes as she thought back on her life, she could feel the Doctors body on hers, warming her and comforting her. His hands came to her face and gently stroked her cheeks as she thought; he gently brushed her stands of hair as he watched her lost in her thoughts.

She could get so lonely sometimes; she could sit in her room in the Tardis and lean against the wall huddling into a blanket. Each time she nearly lost him the thoughts in her head became worse and worse, what if one day she did finally lose him? Would she remain trapped on some desolate planet millions of years away from home? Would the Tardis take her back to Earth where she would waste her life away telling stories of the Doctor and thinking of him until his face was merely a blur in her memory and she couldn't remember what it felt like to lye in his arms? Would she spend the rest of her life looking for someone else like him? Wasting the years searching and searching because if she didn't then she would have to accept the fact that there was no one else in the entire universe like him? Rose knew all the troubles and worries that came with loving and travelling with the Doctor, it was a 60 second decision with a lifetime of consequences.

_I'm drunk when sober  
The room is spinning  
You are what I hold on to_

Rose opened her eyes and looked at him, she knew that whatever worries she felt or whatever fears she had were nothing in comparison to what the Doctor had been through in the last nine hundred years. She pushed the thoughts to the back of her mind and began to tickle the Doctors ribs. His deep husky laughter filled the room as he began to tickle her – she squealed in delight underneath the touch of his hands.

She loved the moments like these – when everything wasn't life or death. When they could just relax and not have to worry about the fate of everyone and everything, when they weren't deciding the futures of other creatures. She loved just being with him, joking with him, laughing with him, playing silly games with him. They could play snakes and ladders into the night without a care in the world. She loved it when they could just relax and be themselves whether that was playing games, reading books, drawing pictures or just lying under the star dotted sky. She knew that wherever she went and whoever she met nothing would ever be as great as the moments she spent with him – he was her life – and she loved it.

_You're taking over  
I find that giving in is the best I can do_

She pushed the Doctor over so she was now sitting on him, she looked down at him laughter dancing in her eyes, using her hands she pinned him down to the sheet and grinned.

Rose had tried not to love him, she had tried so incredibly hard but everything he did, every look he gave her, and every word he said made her love him more. At first she had tried to resist the feelings but in the end she surrendered to them – she knew that there as no other way. She couldn't ignore them – surely if she kept these feelings inside she would explode – they were that strong.

_Someone to die for  
Someone to fall into when the world goes dark  
Someone to die for  
Someone to tear a hole in this endless night_

_  
Someone like you_

She kissed his nose then lent her forehead against his and locked her eyes with his. A slow smile spread across the Doctors' face as he watched her. She pressed her lips against his and smiled

'My dearest Doctor, you made me real – you brought me to life and made me understand the universe. You showed me things I could never possible imagine – you brought my fantasies to life. You are unique and I know there will never be another person in the whole of time even a little bit like you. I love you so much and forever – you gave me life, hope, freedom, and peace within my mind'

He looked up at her and smiled proudly as her words and their meanings hit home. He stroked her cheek

'Oh Rose' he whispered.

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Hope your still liking because there is more to come :-)

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	6. Chapter 6

Thanks everyone for reviewing!

Sorry for how long it took to update. My inspiration ran completely dry – but thankfully I managed to finish this! Hope you enjoy!

The song is Dreamer by Ozzy Osbourne

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Soul Searching 6

_Gazing through the window at the world outside  
Wondering if mother earth will survive  
Hoping that mankind will stop abusing her, sometime_

The Doctor had seen nearly everything, there was hardly anything that could take him by surprise anymore – he was weathered by battle. He'd seen humans do stupid things over and over again, building Cybermen, sending probes, inviting aliens – he felt that the stupid apes would never learn. That's what he thought of them – stupid apes – but it didn't make him stop loving them. Especially one in particular; his Rose. He'd seen everything the Earth had to offer, everything they could throw his way but the one thing he wasn't prepared for was Rose. How could he love a stupid ape? He couldn't – Rose was so much more than a stupid ape – she was caring, intelligent, beautiful, showed initiative, and above all was _fantastic_. When people spoke of the earth and all the riches it had to offer they forgot the most important one: Rose. Well that was fine by him, because he most certainly wasn't going to share her.

_After all there's just the two of us  
And here we are still fighting for our lives  
Watching all of history repeat itself, time after time_

No matter where they went or what they saw she always learned, she picked up titbits of information everywhere and used them – her intelligence never ceased to amaze him, she was rapidly becoming more that a match for him. He was so proud of her as he watched her grow, she no longer asked endless questions on why and how, instead she answered these questions. She was daring and brave and willing to give her life for others the Doctor reflected. He knew he would travel with her for as long as she lived – he couldn't imagine life without her, without their jokes, without their games, without reaching for her hand as they ran away from various evils. He couldn't think about what would happen when she died because life without Rose wasn't living.

_I watch the sun go down like everyone of us  
I'm hoping that the dawn will bring a sign  
A better place for those who will come after us this time_

The Doctor sat up against the pillows and pulled Rose against him, she rested her head on his chest his hair tickling her face, their legs intertwined as they both thought.

The Doctor had seen countless deaths, purposeless deaths, meaningless, unnecessary deaths. He intertwined his fingers with hers locking them together hoping that she would never leave him – never let him go. The thought of losing her was enough to make him wish death upon every creature – innocent or not – in an attempt to protect her. He needed Rose to be his – forever and there was only one way that was ever going to happen.

_Your higher power may be God or Jesus Christ  
It doesn't really matter much to me  
Without each others help there ain't no hope for us  
I'm living in a dream, a fantasy_

He was living in a dream – a fantasy that she would never leave, that she would never want to be with another man like she was with him. He lived in fear of the day she decided to walk out of the Tardis doors and never look back. The Doctor knew there was only one thing he could do to convince her to stay

'Rose' he whispered, he was now sitting up and leaning back against the pillows that were staked against the wall. Rose lay along side him, her head resting on his chest as she listened to the soothing beats of his hearts against her ears. So was so relaxed – so happy, the Doctor wished he could stay in this moment forever.

He opened his mouth – trying to find the words he needed to say

_I'm just a dreamer, I dream my life away, today  
I'm just a dreamer, who dreams of better days, ok  
I'm just a dreamer, who's searching for the way_

Rose looked up at him and saw his mouth moving but no words coming out – she smiled reassuringly at him. He looked at her and realised he didn't need to explain his reasons for she could see them all in his smile, in his eyes; the way he looked at her said it all. He took her hand

'Rose Tyler' he began – beaming to himself for he knew what he was going to say. He squeezed her hand 'Will you marry me?' he asked. He could feel his hearts stop as he awaited her reaction – he couldn't breath as he watched her face change from shock, to happiness to total joy. She sat up so that their noses were touching

'Of course I will' she told him joyously as she passionately pressed her lips to his. He caught her and kissed her back with all the love he'd been saving up his entire life.

_I'm just a dreamer, dreaming my life away_

A long time later he held Rose to him and smiled down at her

'How long am I gunna love you girl?' he asked her, she beamed at him

'Forever and always' she promised. He nodded in agreement and stole another kiss. It was so easily for them to pass every day like this – safe in the knowledge that she'd always be his – forever and always.

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The End

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I hope you enjoyed this!

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